Understanding My Neurodivergent Identity
My brain is wired in such a way that I fit the diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. A disorder, in most people’s minds, means that there’s something wrong that needs fixing or curing. But here’s the thing—I do not need fixing. In fact the idea of being ‘fixed’ or cured is terrifying to me. I don’t feel that there’s anything ‘wrong’ with me. I am just different from the norm. That’s all. I’ve never seen myself as someone with a disability, perhaps because I adjusted my expectations and desires to account for my challenges. What I want to do is what most nurtures me and mostly aligns with what I know I can handle.
There are certain jobs I’ve always known were out of my reach because I couldn’t physically manage them. I look back now and realize that, yes, this is a form of disability, and I manage by avoiding environments that aren’t conducive to my well-being. I have only ever worked full time for 2 years in all my working life. I learned while trying different jobs during my college days that I have limits on how much I can do in the usual kinds of working environments before I need a break. Without the necessary breaks, I might get dizzy, suddenly need to sleep, or be unable to think at all. It’s as if my brain just shuts down. This shows up in things like how many days a week I can work without getting so exhausted I can’t get out of bed and how many years I can stay in a challenging job. Yet when I’m inspired and passionate about something, I can immerse myself in it for many hours at a time with an intense focus that means I can get a huge amount done in a very short time.
So I can have no energy or almost limitless energy, but the latter only occurs when the circumstances and environment supports it. The former comes from trying to squeeze myself into the confines of the neurotypical world. It’s not me that needs fixing, it’s the modern Western world.
My form of ADHD leans more towards hyperactivity than inattention. I’ve managed it for a long time, and my giftedness helps. It means I’m interested in pretty much everything, which means that focusing isn’t a problem unless the task is boring. I’m lucky to be self-employed, allowing me to work to my own schedule. If I don’t feel like doing something today, I can put it off until tomorrow, but I don’t think that many workplaces have that kind of flexibility.
The modern Western world isn’t designed for people like me. The typical work environment—eight-hour days in sterile rooms with artificial light—isn’t healthy for anyone, and the way people are expected to work in most jobs – or learn at school – does not suit a brain that prioritises inspiration and urgency. Neurodivergent people, like delicate flowers, wilt in such settings. But our sensitivity is a gift, highlighting environments that aren’t healthy for anyone. If the world were designed for neurodivergent people, it would be healthier for everyone.
Celebrating My Unique Brain
When I learned about neurodivergence and how I fit into these diagnoses, I began to appreciate the uniqueness of my brain. Being 2eAuDHD is not just being autistic and having ADHD; it’s a combination of the two that creates something distinct. The combination is not unusual.
‘An estimated 30 to 80 percent of children with autism also meet the criteria for ADHD and, conversely, 20 to 50 percent of children with ADHD for autism.’ https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/decoding-overlap-autism-adhd/
AuDHD is characterised by heightened sensory sensitivity, intense focus on interests, difficulties with social interactions, and challenges with emotional regulation and executive functioning. The combination can also lead to a unique experience of sensory overwhelm, where I can be both over and under-stimulated at the same time!
The most obvious way this combination of autism and ADHD manifests for me is that I seem to have 2 opposing parts: the one that doesn’t want to have anything to do with other people (autism) and the one that wants to connect with people and talk deeply with them about (hopefully) shared interests (ADHD). One part finds it very difficult to start a conversation; the other can’t stop talking once begun. One wants to share my inspiration and its artistic results, the other part is terrified to do so. ‘Feel the fear but do it anyway’ is a concept with which I am very familiar.
Twice Exceptional
Adding the 2e (twice exceptional) label – meaning you have a high IQ or some special talent – makes the combination particularly unique. Twice exceptional refers to someone who is simultaneously very strong or gifted in some areas but also very weak or incapable in other areas. Giftedness is, I believe, a huge benefit for a neurodivergent individual, but it comes with its own issues.
While it’s difficult to pinpoint an exact percentage, research suggests that a significant portion of people with ADHD also have intellectual giftedness. Studies indicate that 8.8% of children with ADHD in one large sample were also gifted, which is twice the proportion of gifted children in a typical population. Furthermore, some studies in gifted adults have found that a high percentage (37.8%) have ADHD symptoms. So it’s likely that many people with ADHD are also gifted without knowing it because the combination makes one or other difficult to pinpoint.
For example, a child with ADHD who is highly intelligent may perform well at school and show a high level of talent. Because they’re a high achiever, the parents and teachers may overlook ADHD symptoms such as high energy or challenges with organization. On the other side, a child’s ADHD symptoms may be such that achievement at school is difficult for them, in which case the child’s intelligence may be overlooked.
One aspect of giftedness in this neurodivergent sense is heightened self-awareness, which helps people know what they need. Along with good judgement and reasoning ability, this makes it easier for the twice exceptional to seek a life in which their needs are met. But giftedness comes with what are known as overexcitabilities, which manifest as a level of intensity that is not handled well by neurotypical society, making social interactions and monitoring energy levels difficult.
‘Overexcitabilities are inborn intensities indicating a heightened ability to respond to stimuli. Found to a greater degree in creative and gifted individuals, overexcitabilities are expressed in increased sensitivity, awareness, and intensity, and represent a real difference in the fabric of life and quality of experience. “One who manifests several forms of overexcitability, sees reality in a different, stronger and more multisided manner” (Dabrowski, 1972, p. 7). Experiencing the world in this unique way carries with it great joys and sometimes great frustrations.’ https://www.sengifted.org/post/overexcitability-and-the-gifted
I’ve been rejected many times throughout my life for being too intense, but that intensity is me living my life on its maximum setting. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Embracing the Intensity
Even though my life choices have been limited by my autism, I don’t feel broken or in need of fixing or curing. If there were a ‘cure’ for autism, I wouldn’t want it as it would mean losing the qualities I celebrate. My brain is incredibly creative and intense in its focus on things that inspire me. My creativity is the driving force of my life. I’ve always known this, and it’s not been without struggle. Inspiration, I often say, is a hard taskmaster because when she comes to visit I am unable to ignore her call. This can find me way off task, head down in something that is suddenly all encompassing in its hold over my life. But following such inspirations, rather than being a distraction as others see them, are most rewarding and satisfying and have often led me to new previously undreamed of careers – like being an editor and publisher.
With AuDHD come qualities such as loyalty, directness in communication, a highly developed sense of justice and compassion, spontaneity, innovative problem-solving, energy, and enthusiasm. I have high energy and the aforementioned creativity, along with humor and a willingness to take risks, which brings innovation, dynamic thinking, and vibrancy. My ability to hyperfocus on areas of interest have led to some remarkable achievements, like all those books I’ve written and published.
I don’t need fixing; I need a world that celebrates the value of everyone and supports everyone so they can shine.
And speaking of books and ground-breaking brilliance … haha
Leave a comment, I’d love to hear from you
The head of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F, Kennedy Jnr said that autistic people ‘will never pay taxes, they’ll never hold a job, they’ll never play baseball, they’ll never write a poem, they’ll never go out on a date. Many of them will never use a toilet unassisted.’ What do you think of this statement?
