World Within Worlds has a couple of abusive emails and a scathing review in it that I want to sound completely different to the rest of the writing. When I write them, even though I play the nasty card, they have my style, so I would like someone else to write them. But I can’t use actual emails or reviews written by someone else unless they write it specifically for this book. And I’d like the language to be heartfelt and not particularly well written.
So, would you like to help out?
The winners of each section receive their choice of three of my ebooks, or one paperback, or a sample line-edit of the first 1000 words of something they’ve written. And, of course, they will be credited in the book for their contribution.
The winners, if they are authors, will also receive a blog post about them and their work.
The situation is that Ella agreed to write an honest review of a fellow author’s book. He agreed, and she posted a 2 star review because the book really was very bad. However, Dita, the author of the book, thinks his book warrants a Pulzer prize, so he is angry and defensive. He wants her to take the review down and is not above using threats and a smear campaign to do so.
I need the following—the rougher and more aggressive the better. Grammatical errors and spelling mistakes are good, but don’t be excessive:
- A very abusive email telling Ella how ignorant she is, how she doesn’t know anything about writing, how she shouldn’t be reviewing, how wonderful the book is, and asking her to take the review down. He could also accuse her of being a communist or a spy or a terrorist or something. Maybe the review is all part of an evil plot to discredit him. Maybe someone has even paid her to do so! Let your imagination run wild on this one, but it still has to be believable.
- A longer email that threatens legal action for slander and uses legal jargon. We don’t see Ella’s actual review in the novel, so you can make up anything you need to refer to for the email. The legal jargon is important in this one. It should sound very formal, but be based on something very flimsy; for example, that she refers in her review to an aspect of the book as a monologue when it is actually a dialogue, or visa versa. Or perhaps she refers to a Spanish character as Italian.
- A review he writes of Ella’s book, Catnip Creek, by Prunella Smith, where he rudely slams her abilities as a writer and mentions that she has no right to review others’ work because she clearly can’t write herself. He hasn’t actually read the book, though he may have read the sample which will introduce him to a couple of sweet elderly people called Carl and Clarrissa and their cat Hubert. Dita thinks they’re stupid. The book has been published by a small but reputable mainstream publisher. It’s literary fiction.
You can submit them in the comments and/or email them to me at tahlia (dot) newland (at) yahoo (dot) com
So turn yourself into a grumpy author with a vendetta and have fun. I look forward to the results.
Entering the competition means that you agree to let me use your passages on my blog and in the book, Worlds Within Worlds. I will, of course, credit you.
The competition closes at the end of September 2014. The best entries will be published on this blog.
Charles Ray says
An email from Dita to Ella:
I hope you’re able to read this email, for certain you can’t read books. I say this cause of the semi-illeterate review you written about my book which I demand that you right away take down from the sight. Where do you come off giving my book just to stars. You have no rights to be reviewing books not knowing anymore about literature than you do. I suspect you were put up to this by my rivals – or worse, the government – you couldn’t possible be that stupid and evil on your own. How much did they pay you to write the nasty things you wrote? If you have a shred of decency in you you’ll take that review down before more people’s minds get poisoned by it. If you don’t take it down, you’ll be sorry – I mean really sorry.
Charles Ray says
Here’s my offering on number 3, a review of ‘Catnip Creek.’
Catnip Creek by Ella ___ is without a doubt the worst book I’ve ever read. The author calls herself a book reviewer and author, but she has no right to do either – because she can’t write. This stupid book is about this old couple and their stupid cat, and no one really cares about them. I’d give it minus five stars if that was possible, but since I can’t, and I can’t give it no stars, I’ll be generous and give her one star.
Steve Scott says
A “Pulzer Prize”? Intentional? Does Ella have a last name?
Tahlia Newland says
Ella Smith (Prunella Smith, actually) , and of course it was intentional. The grumpy author rote a rilly bad book.
Steve Scott says
Well, here goes the review of Ella’s work:
Well, folks, here is yet another doggone cat story, one which you may bypass unless you are a glutton for punishment. First of all, the main characters Carl, Clarissa (whose name the “author” misspells throughout), and their cat Hubert. Truth be told, I read very little of this tooth-gritter. It is obvious that Ella never had anyone beta-read her work, much less pay someone with editing skills to do a line edit on it. I venture to say she never even ran Spell Check on it. This writer is no Ella James, for sure, as what little plot there is wouldn’t make a child’s book. With apologies, I’m allowing one star, because this site won’t take my review without at least one. Avoid it at all costs.
Pete Morin says
Tahlia, this is too good an idea for me not to take some time – do you have a deadline?
Tahlia Newland says
Hi Pete, I just saw your comment on Facebook. You’re right, I should put an end date on it. So I’ll say the end of the month. It’s going to be hard choosing; some of them are quite funny but I’m not sure that will be best for the book. I shall give them all some air time on the blog though because I think there’s something healthy about reading what could well be your worst nightmare of a review and being able to laugh about it
Annie Evett says
emails sent.. what a fun competition!