The following article on how to avoid head hopping in fiction writing is an excerpt from my book The Elements of Active Prose: Writing Tips to Make Your Prose Shine.
What is head hopping?
Many readers don’t notice head hopping unless it’s really chronic, but writing is better without it, and it’s a common trap for new writers. Some writers maintain that whether or not you head-hop is a personal preference rather than an indication of quality, but head-hopping definitely does weaken the writing.
People aren’t always clear about what head-hopping means, so it’s important that we clarify that. Let us start with what head-hopping isn’t.
The term head-hopping does NOT refer to point of view changes that occur:
- Chapter by chapter, i.e. one chapter in one POV and another chapter in a different POV;
- Scene by scene changes in POV where it is obvious that the scene has changed;
- As one clearly delineated additional POV within a scene, i.e. a switch from the POV of the main character to a secondary character—and back again if necessary. This is common in romance novels where it is important for the reader to understand the different perspectives of the man and the woman. Clearly delineated means that the change is obvious, and there is no confusion. Sometimes it’s marked by a blank line or it’s simply written like a smooth baton change. However, if the switch is only for one sentence, or involves several different characters, then no matter how well it’s done, the writing would be better off without it;
- A narrator telling the reader what a character is thinking in omniscient point of view is not head-hopping so long as the writing remains in the omniscient narrator’s voice and it is clear whose perspective the narrator is relating. In true omniscient POV there is only one voice, that of the narrator. Although this all-knowing voice of the narrator knows what everyone is thinking, s/he tells the story from a perspective that is external to them and in his/her voice, not in the character’s voice or from their perspective.
The term head-hopping specifically refers to:
- Non-delineated changes of POV within a scene that move quickly between characters (i.e. one sentence or a short paragraph, then back again, or to another character), especially if it’s between more than two characters, happens often, or uses the POV of minor characters who have limited POV throughout the rest of the story. Valid changes of POV are limited to main characters and are clearly delineated.
How to Achieve a Smooth Baton Change Between POVs
The first POV character turns their attention to the second character in some way, either through thoughts, gaze or action. Alternatively, the first POV character could leave the scene.
The first sentence of the new POV also mentions the new POV character’s name and their thoughts or feelings about something. They should be distinctly related to the new character so there is no possible chance that these thoughts could be attributed to the previous character.
A paragraph or more of omniscient POV is also a way to create a break between different third person close POVs.
What’s Wrong With Head-hopping?
Head-hopping weakens the writing. It can result in readers having to reread passages to work out whose point of view they are currently following. This drags them out of the story, and they lose engagement.
Reading many people’s viewpoints of one scene can make the writing less immediate and engaging by:
- Slowing down the action;
- Taking the reader away from the main point, thus watering down the impact of the scene;
- Creating a barrier between the reader and the story. It’s as if you’re always dodging around the action instead of meeting it head on;
- Using the thoughts of a variety of characters as a way to tell the reader things instead of showing them through the eyes of the main character. It’s another form of ‘lazy’ writing;
- Giving the reader a general sense of confusion or lack of clarity about the scene;
- Giving the reader more info than they need. This bloats the scene and leaves little to the reader’s imagination, which dulls the writing.
Usually the scene and all the characters’ feelings can be effectively described or at least sufficiently hinted at through the point of view of the person the reader followed into the scene. If a change of POV is needed to give insight into a secondary character, then it should be only one other character in any one scene and there should be a clear delineation between the views. Either with or without the blank line, the first sentence must make it very clear that the point of view has changed. Even when the change flows smoothly, it is preferable that it happens only once in a scene (i.e. change to secondary character and back again). Basically, the more you change POV, the greater the chance for confusion.
Examples
An example of head-hopping:
‘It’s raining outside,’ George said. So much for getting the washing dry today.
‘It’s not too heavy, though.’ Sally stared into the dusk. Would George stay and get pizza with her? She turned and fixed her eyes on his, hoping.
‘I need to go. I have washing on the line.’ George stood, uncomfortable under her intense gaze. Didn’t she realise how needy she appeared?
‘It’s too late now. It’ll be soaked.’ Please don’t go; don’t go. I need you. She reached for his hand. ‘Let’s have pizza.’
He shook his head, suddenly desperate to leave.
One way to write the same scene without the head-hopping.
This is now all described from George’s point of view. The same points come across without the head-hopping, so nothing is gained by the head-hopping.
‘It’s raining outside,’ George said. So much for getting the washing dry today.
‘It’s not too heavy, though.’ Sally stared into the dusk, then turned and fixed her eyes on his.
‘I need to go. I have washing on the line.’ George stood, uncomfortable under her intense gaze. Didn’t she realise how needy she appeared?
‘It’s too late now. It’ll be soaked.’ She reached for his hand. ‘Please, stay. We can have pizza.’
He shook his head, suddenly desperate to leave.
An example of a successful change of point of view.
This excerpt from my book Lethal Inheritance introduces the secondary character—the love interest—for the first time. My first attempts at writing this—it was my first book—had me head-hopping all over the place giving the reader whiplash as I tried to show both characters’ feelings and reactions to their initial contact. I solved the problem by having the first paragraph in Nick’s point of view talk about the reaction he’d just had.
Just before the change, Ariel turns the reader’s attention onto Nick by wondering what he felt. The change is made by beginning the next sentence with Nick’s name and him answering the question Ariel asked herself. The gap between, though not strictly necessary, gives the reader a clear indication that some change has occurred.
The man, tall and—Ariel noted appreciatively—athletically built, pushed off the tree with a smile that softened the sharp angles of his square jaw and straight nose. He looked older than her by several years—twentyish, she decided.
‘Hi, I’m Nick,’ he said in a pleasant voice.
Ariel met his gaze and a blast of energy shot from his eyes into hers. It raced into the centre of her chest and exploded, knocking her breathless. She wrenched her eyes from his and staggered backwards.
‘What the hell?’ She felt as if he’d bludgeoned her with a blunt instrument. ‘What was that?’
‘What was what?’ He sounded completely innocent, and his expression, though a little tense, was carefully neutral, but he wouldn’t meet her eyes.
Had he really not felt anything?
Nick wondered how she’d managed to wrench open a door in his chest and unleash a burst of that unspeakable power. It’d raced up his spine and out his eyes, and after he’d torn his gaze from hers, it’d taken all his concentration to shut the door and keep the rest safely locked up. The girl was dangerous.
‘Nothing,’ she muttered and hurried past him, breaking his self-absorption and reminding him that he had a job to do.
‘Wait, I’m going that way too.’ He raced after her. ‘Can I walk with you?’
‘No.’ She sounded pissed off.
Part of him wanted to ask if he’d hurt her, but the wise part told him to shut the hell up. He didn’t want to have to deal with it now. Actually, not ever. ‘I’m not going to hurt you.’
‘Really? So far you don’t inspire me with confidence.’
‘I’m sorry, okay.’ He wanted to say it wouldn’t happen again, but he couldn’t guarantee it.
She stopped and looked at him. ‘So you did do something.’
He avoided her gaze. ‘I didn’t do anything.’
‘Fine. Whatever.’ She walked on. ‘Just leave me alone, all right.’
Well, that worked out well, he thought sarcastically, and followed her in uneasy silence.
This is part of a series of blog posts on how to write a novel. It doesn’t just cover the technical details, but also the emotional journey we take and the personal challenges we meet on the road from potential author to author. Join the journey now, and don’t miss a post, click here to sign up to get my Novel Revision Checklist and links to the articles sent to your inbox.
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