How to deal with cyberbullying.

This is another post in my series on bullying. Click here to see all posts on this subject.

Unfortunately, bullying is alive and flourishing on the internet. Perpetrators of cyber-bullying are sometimes called trolls, ie people who engage in prolonged & often systematic attacks on people via blog comments, internet forms and social media sites.

Such behavior is cruel, unnecessary and quite simply wrong. However, stopping it is not a simple matter, because those who bully enjoy the drama and feeling of power it gives them. Also, they are likely to find valid-sounding reasons to justify their behavior and may even not be aware that what they are doing is actually bullying.

So how to deal with cyber-bullying.

First we need to accept that we can’t control the bully’s behavior, but we can control how we let it affect us. Normally, we get angry and defensive. We lose our peace of mind. But instead of reacting with fear and hatred, we could use the situation to arouse our compassion. Having compassion in our heart calms and strengthens us, and through our changed behavior positively affects the behavior of others. We can become powerful role models for those who seek to harm us. Here’s the logic.

People who bully live in unpleasant mind states like anger, hatred, jealousy, fear etc. They are unhappy, upset or, at the least, ill at ease in some way. Just like us, they want to be happy, but they aren’t. Imagine how it would be to live with a mind and heart full of the kind of vitriol Trolls exhibit? Ouch. Not a good feeling, right?

Now, try wishing that they be well and happy. Visualise them as so well and happy that they no longer feel the need to hurt others. It takes courage to turn our attitude around like this, to wish well the person who is hurting us, but each time we do it, we become stronger and more able to stay cool, calm and collected in the face of abuse.

With this attitude we will naturally be less inclined to inflame and more likely to ease the situation. A compassionate attitude is so radical that actions imbued with it can stop bullies in their tracks.

Things to do:

1. Don’t take it personally, even if they mean it to be. It’s just a bad role they’re playing in a cruddy story. Don’t make it yours by buying into their drama.
2. Unfriend them immediately. Remove them and their comments from any forum or blog you moderate. Notify forum moderators that this person is engaging in bullying behaviour and ask for their comments to be removed.
3. Do not engage the bully. Use the perpetrator’s suffering to arouse your compassion. Think, how awful it must be to be them, and remind yourself that their behaviour will do them more harm in the long run than it will you.
   • If they are adults with a valid question or problem that you feel does require a response, you may address it once, perhaps in a general stattement on your blog. If you do this:
     • Be respectful and kind. Leave a short, polite, non-emotive statement. Let them know that you respect their opinion and would appreciate it if they could, in turn, keep their comments respectful. Shame them with your goodness.
     • Don’t attack them back or use language that will inflame them. Don’t call them Trolls, instead appeal to their better nature. Even though they may seem like it, they are not Trolls by nature, just people behaving like Trolls.
     • Say no more. Let them talk into a vacuum. If you reply to them, they will reply back and the whole thing will keep going.
4. Don’t visit the places where they play their games. Breathe and relax. It will blow over eventually.
5. If the moderators don’t block the bullying, and it continues into someting extreme that threatens your person or livelihood, make a log of the activity, but do it without getting emotionally involved. Pretend it isn’t you they’re talking about, otherwise it will just upset you.

   Note the perpetrators, where and when it happens and what they say. Include links and screen shots if you can. Submit this to the moderators of the forums as evidence to convince them to block the perpetrator and remove their comments.

   Then leave it alone. You’ve done what you can. Now ignore it and get on with your life.

The Trolls are playing a game, but you don’t have to play with them. For a game to continue, it needs two sides, one to throw the ball and one to hit it back. If you don’t hit it back, they are left chasing the ball, and it’s likely to get lost in the bushes. So don’t play, and tell your friends not to play either.

The next time someone hassles you, remember that they are unhappy in some way and wish them happiness. See how it changes how you feel. A heart full of love and compassion is the best protection.

To read more of these ideas in an entertaining and accessible way, purchase my young adult novel, You Can’t Shatter Me. The book includes questions for discussion, an interview with the author, guided meditations and notes on the magical realism symbolism.